My rp charaicter: Shadowolf

WIP
Spartan [IV]
Name: Marcus Soul
Service Tag: J210
Age: 25
Race: Human, male, white
Rank: Captain
Motto: Good men don’t fight fair, for on the battle field there are no rules
Armament: Mjolnir [Gen 2], hard light shield, M45D Tactical Shotgun, MA37 Individual Combat Weapon System, Longer, sharper combat knife, M7/Caseless Submachine Gun, sometimes a rocket launcher, note: he doesn't carrie everything but chooses from these.
Role: CQC
Apearenice: His amour consist of venator BYNT helm and chest BYNT, with left scout and right riccochet, his arms are contoured and his leggings are ODST, his lights on his helm are custom black/midnight, his colours are back main and secondary violet or coral, without his helm is a green/blue eyes and brown shaggy hair just reaching his eyes but staying above.
Skills: Spartan ability’s, enhanced hand to hand combat, close range weaponry, bad at controlling groups and long ranged weapons
Current Location: Classified
Status: Active
Personnel profile
Rank: Captain- Marcus Soul, Age: 25, height 6’3”, birthplace: earth, Notes: Passed Psychological Evaluation.  Was on board the UNSC INFINITY but moved before the events to requiem.
Born on earth, he was put into an adoption center at the age of 6, born on the 31st of the 12th, 2533[Yes This is a spartan 4 RP character, DOC], he was troubled as a child and was quite detached from most people before joining the UNSC where he showed great liking to close combat, and the shotgun, he moved quickly in ranks and was promoted to a ODST where he showed to improve more, taking a liking to the elites weapon, energy sword which he used on stealth missions if acquired. while taking apart of the battle for earth with the sangheili he would always ask if they had a spare energy sword. When the spartan 4 program came, he took apart and worked well in the war games, soon earning the venator amour for his love of assassinating the enemy but had it customized, he works well with other Spartans and keeps asking for an energy sword but has been declined.

I'm not even going to start on the problems with this character sheet

It needs revision.

THere's a post around here about how to write well. Read it.

thanks doc but hey when you need to write stuff in 3 in the morning don't blame just say whats wrong i'm a practice writer ok tell me whats wrong i would like to know

Just another person, tell me if i did wrong with things i woulf like to know

WIP
ODST
Service tag: VR21
Name: Violet Rose
Age:  22
Race: Human, female, white
Rank: Corporal
Armament: ODST amour but with a improved chest plate that allowed for better physical impact resistance., violet colored amour with red stripes. battle rifle, daggers, M45D Tactical Shotgun.
Current location Classified
Status: Active  
Personal: Born on earth, violet was a child of a fleet admiral who had her training at the age of 5, fighting marines and soon, ODSTs which wanted her to strive for that rank. She trained in long ranged weaponry and close quarter combat but was never that great with any long ranged weapons, favoring close combat over range. at the age of 16 her father allowed her to be in a squad of ODST as their close battle and was able to take two elites with her knifes but was caught by a stray bullet of a plasma rifle to her arm thanks to her amour allowed it to only be a minor injury. By 20 she was a well-known ODST and continued to impress almost besting 3 ODST in a fight between getting pinned by the 3rd one taking out the first 2. She has trained in knife usage and has had some experience with an energy sword considering the weapon to be a gods knife and sees the elites as great opponents when they use their energy swords always using one on the battle field if available saving two of her squad mates thanks to a small fight between her and a elite which she was saved from by one of her squads snipers..

Alright. LEt's go into depth on whats wrong with these then.

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Armament: Mjolnir [Gen 2], hard light shield, repel flood, M45D Tactical Shotgun, MA37 Individual Combat Weapon System, Longer, sharper combat knife, Type-1 Energy Weapon/Sword, M7/Caseless Submachine Gun, sometimes a rocket launcher, note: he dosen't carrie everything but chooses from these.

Are you fucking serious? This guy has access to Covenant weapions freely and can just choose to use them whenever. And no-one in ONI or the UNSC has questioned this?

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Notes: prone to fits of violence whenever a lady is attack or assaulted. Passed Psychological Evaluation. Was on board the UNSC INFINITY but moved before the events to requiem.

Sorry, but there's no way you'#d pass a psych test if you were prone to acts of physical violence, especially when you're in a war.

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born on the 31st of the 12th, 2535

This would mean the year was 2557 in the RP. but it's not. Go actually ask people.

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where he used his own fighting style and his surroundings to avoid and attack his attackers

So you're saying that between the age of 6 and 16, a kid who had absolutely no martial arts training and lived in an adoption home developed his own successive fighting style? Bullshit

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Taking part of the fight for earth he was the only ODST in his squad when found and was surrounded in the corpses of shanghelios while carrying two energy swords and all his teammates missing their knives.

So you're saying a single ODST fought 5+ Sangheili at once and beat them all in hand to hand combat, even though the Elites are both stronger and faster than any human is? Even the S-II's Had trouble hand-2-hand with the Elites. And you managed to disarm them too? I get you want to be all "badass" but this is just rediculous.

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After retrieving his amour he excelled from beginning ranks and was tasked as a lone wolf Spartan, nearing the status of Spartan III B312

No Spartan was classed as a Lone Wolf, that was just some Reach plotline shit. All Spartans worked in teams. And you rivaled one of the best S-III's that existed? Really?


And then your second character.

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She trained in long ranged weaponry and close quarter combat,

So she's just a jack of all trades and doesnt really have a weak point?

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at the age of 16 her father allowed her to be in a squad of ODST recruits

Her father allowed her? I don't give a shit if he's a Vice Admiral. It's unlikely they'd be assigned together because they have too close ties and even if they did. It wouldn't be up to him. It would be up to ONI would lead the squad.

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continued to impress almost besting a Spartan in a fight between the two.

This. This shit is just too funny. She almost beat a Spartan? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Spartans could literally tear a humans joint without much effort.

Oh yeah.

DO NOT JUST JOIN RANDOM RP'S. MOST RP'S HAVE THEIR OWN CHARACTER SECTION THAT REQUIRES A DIFFERENT CHARACTER TO BE MADE FOR THAT RP. PLEASE OBSERVE THIS.

So Doc remind me to try and not talk to you again and yes i have problems with these profiles as well, as of such and very hard to believe i know i was up at late nights while doing these and i guess i was a little out of hand in writing, yes i am a lot sense making now so please no need to yell i'll fix these things OK, plus i'm 14 you can't expect me to not make mistakes i like to just have fun so i'm sorry if my limited knowledge is crappy as i just searched up who the spartan was and found out OK, plus there are some things that even shouldn't be there and i'm going to fix those up just don't yell, theirs no reason too OK mate

Huh yes i think my friend changed some stuff as i didn't have an energy sword, look i know little but i know enough that they wouldn't be allowed for spartan use

I wasn't yelling at you. I was making the rules clear because you didn't seem to have understood them.

I'm treating you no different than I do anyone else who joins up and makes characters.

I don't care how old you are or what time you were up. As long as you fix your mistakes, it's all good.

well thanks for the insight