Me or some sh*t

I still end up thinking about this place from time to time. I honestly miss everyone here, even the people I wasn't a big fan of. Because the differences we had made it more interesting, challenged what I believed and who I was. Unfortunately I have a hard time remembering everyone and who they were. Drugs will screw your memory like that. But I'll tell you what I do remember, because I need to put these thoughts somewhere and I figured why not here? It'd be poetic er... something.

I first found this place for a few reasons. I liked Halo (duh), I was home-schooled and incredibly alone, I wanted to get better at writing, my (older) brother had a role play group and I wanted a group of friends like that. I had no idea what was to come. I loved this place and its people. It ended up being the one escape from despair I had. In a family where everything was shared and nothing private, this was the one thing I could call my own, where I could be who I was without influence from those around me. I could step out of my awkward, inexperienced shell here. It quickly became my favorite past time. I looked forward to when everyone was on and we'd rp into the wee hours of the night. Y'all gave me some of my most cherished memories, easily.

Here are the ones I can remember:


I remember when I first started. I made my character, waited for approval and started posting, not once logging into the chat. This was over the course of a week. I was literally too nervous to join the chat (I hadn't used the internet before and thought everyone would bully me for being new) so Garth dm'd me to literally invite me to join the chat. I think that's why we ended up becoming good friends. Anyway my first night in the chat I got into an argument with zeru because he insisted I was a cat. Felix the Cat, har har. Then I learned he had fetal alcohol syndrome. I felt bad and stupid at the same time. But everyone forgot about it and moved on. That was the first thing I learned here. Unless it was insanely serious no one remembered anything stupid like that. I no longer felt as every tiny mistake was the end of the world.

I remember how Draco was completely chill with some bullsh*t I was going to pull on him. One of my characters somehow breached his spaceship and attempted to assassinate his main character. After a couple pages of bs I'd pull and he let me get away with, my character blew herself up so she wouldn't get captured. I insisted she had killed him aswell. He wasn't happy so he came up with a deal. His character was to be paralyzed without dying. I was okay with it. I still don't know why he let me do all that but ohwell. Anyway after that I asked Razgriz (Alex) to review my characters and their storylines, so I could better refine it. I had told him the plan and I remember his reaction. "That is so fucking depressing" he said. Then he convinced me to change it and helped me remake it. I ended up straying a bit from the original plan but I mostly followed it. Never did get to the ending anyway.

I remember people bullied zeru because he would never capitalize or punctuate, making his entire post a single sentence.

I remember Garth once tried to explain his religion to everyone in the group chat. I don't know who or what prompted this. I remember it was very complicated and in the public's eye was morally wrong. He got roasted essientally. It was hard to watch. Because of this I never shared my faith.

This brings me to Nick, or was it Nich? Either who he believed in God the same way I did but publicly, even after what happened to Garth. That's when I really began to respect N. I thought very highly of him for being braver than me. Up until he left I considered him a big brother I should look up to. Because he ended up going to college to become some sort of scientist. He was strong in his faith and I believe he was engaged before disappearing. I've tried to contact the Oehlberg since and to no avail.

I learned what the n-word was, what a nazi was, how to cuss, what sex was, what a furry was, what gay was, what capitalism and socialism were and that british people have internet.

Gigavortex and Garth both helped me find out that halo was multiplayer. A whole new world was unlocked that day. However I have gotten confused about the menu and asked if custom games were multiplayer. Skippy copied and pasted into the chat, which was this huge insult in and of itself but she had also said "Somebody get me off this planet." I (clearly) still think about that burn to this day. I haven't received a better burn since then. I will never recover.

(Sorry this edible is kicking my ass. I gotta stop here.)

I'm back to write some more I guess. I'm not really sure why I'm doing this. I suppose I'm afraid of forgetting? Or perhaps it's a way to give back to the site that gave me so much? Well in any case, these aren't in any particular order or preference, just times I think about often. I might throw in some of my recent life too. Whatever I feel needs to be shared.

There was this one time in the rebooted Halo RP where I had my character try to stay behind with Paarthurnax's (and his two friends) Sangheili characters in a sort of 'last stand' kinda deal. I still don't know exactly why I wanted him to stay behind when the rest of the human forces were retreating. It even caused a bit of a stir with everyone involved. Eventually I listened and made him move with the others.

I remember a guy who popped up one day, FallenSanity, who insisted we start a fallout rp after some time being here. I f**king love fallout so I was all for this. I think I ended up making an entire NCR squad for it. I'm not sure who my main character was. Doesn't matter too much, it barely ever got off the ground. Didn't have much of a story to follow so it fell apart. I was devastated to say the least but there wasn't much I could do about it.

Then there was the Grim Dark RP that I single handedly destroyed by being the laziest procrastinator known to earth haha. San had it set up and he was excited for it. It was going to be different and many people were interested in it. I believe it was the better half of the majority of people. Anyway. By the first month he had plot, character races, setting, points of interest and how all the characters would find each other to start. It was really well planned. But I wanted to find absolutely PERFECT picture for my char and refused to finish it until I got it. People were even dm'ing me pictures of pirates they thought I would like but none were just it for me. Took me almost 6 months to find it. What can I say? I loved pirates since I was kid and had this idea of them that was the only right way to think of them.  People were frustrated with me and hell, I would have been too if someone else pulled that shit. It didn't get very far and I still think about it every once and while. Helps me remember my actions affect others.

But in that tiny lifespan of the GDRP I managed to embarrass myself even further. My character, which aligned with either Neutral Evil or Chaotic Evil, I can't remember which. He was a pirate so it was probably the latter. Anyway I had him attempt to help Nick's char, a beggar being harassed by the guards, simply because it was wrong. I felt stupid after because I wasn't rp'ing very well. Needless to say it left a sour memory.

While on that subject, in the previously mentioned rebooted Halo RP, there was a sparring session between the human characters. I myself have never been in a fist fight and so I had no idea how to rp one. I almost felt ridiculed by how easily my guy was beaten. I know nobody intended to make me feel that way but I still felt like I was lesser somehow. Small, silly thing but it stuck with me.

Another time I had been staying up late and attempting to pull an all nighter since I had only a couple hours to sleep if I had tried. And in the morning I had to help my dad cutting down and/or trim a bunch of our trees. I complained a bit in chat. Then outta nowhere skippy insists that I go to sleep and get rest for the next day. I kinda brush her off but she keeps insisting. Eventually she storms out of the chat saying something along the lines of "Sorry I care about you but I don't have the time to convince you to take care of yourself." Paraphrasing of course. I know it sounds depraved but that was the first time I heard anyone say they cared about me. So I shyly left and went to bed.

Wholesome reflections. Ya gotta love it.

It's surreal reading through these and remembering the shit we all got up to. I'm with Draco on this; wholesome reflections.

Oh there's plenty more where that came from. At least for me anyways. This place was, essentially, the first place I had any real human interaction I had experienced. Anyway I'm glad to see you guys still float around here. I had you both figured as gone, along with a big chunk of the rest of them.

Now these next few are influenced by you guys but well, like I said before, these are in no particular order.

There was Draco's kind words, congratulating me on my soberness. I still think about what you said mate, even when I'm not sober. My addictions aren't nearly as bad as before and I can keep sober for any period of time I feel like. Sometimes however, I'm simply sick of my own mind. I need to stop thinking for a little while. That's usually when I come here. This place was always my safe haven.

Truth be told, I always thought you were too cool for school Draco. I mean c'mon, with a name like "Draco"? How couldn't you be cool? (I mean, sure your name is actually Dokatah but everyone knew you as Draco)

I also distinctly remember your "let's plays" man, they were interesting to watch and your voice was calming. (No homo haha) I wish we had more opportunity to RP more. (Ya'know, without my bs rp style haha)

And Razgriz, my man. I remember I added another guy on Xbox with a similar name. (razgriz) and played COD with him. Took me a month to realize I had added the wrong person XD

The ZRP was a lot of fun man, I enjoyed it a probably too much. Even when Celeste was putting minimal effort haha. I honestly wished we had finished it. But oh well life happens. It's too bad because you always had some petty badass writing promts.

I know everyone here acknowledged me as the annoying kid and I appreciate y'all tolerating me.

Well, I'm drunk again. My life hasn't become half of what I wanted it to be, no matter how I try to change it. Last year was the worst year of my life. It started with my brother dying of heart failure. He fought like hell to stay here but his body just couldn't keep up. I still feel like I could have done something to prevent this, so I feel this is partially my fault. Then about a week later my fiance left me, saying that I don't love her in the way she needed to be loved. I lost my job soon after, a completely failed career change. My friends and I stopped talking and drifted apart. I went unemployed for a couple months trying to recover from what just happened. Now I'm behind in my student loans. Eventually I had to go back to welding. It's exhausting but at least it pays well. Lately I've just felt numb, like a robot just kinda going through the motions. Occasionally when I do feel anything it's just regret, I miss my brother. I've looked up to him for as long as I can remember and I let him down. So I drown it out in whiskey. I know it's possibly the worst way to deal with it but I was never taught how to deal with pain so, here I am.

Anyways I remember the ZRP and the plot. I was excited to see how it played out. Unfortunately it never came to fruition. I remember the character I had made for a "friend of mine", what a load. I only came up with that scenario to seem cool or something like that. I never had another website I was apart of. I just wanted people to think I had some cool double life. I'm some lame dude and a fraud. Sorry for slacking but I had to go through that cringy phase one way or another. (I dropped out early in high school so I never had the chance to do the dumb shit teens usually do, so I did it here. Apologies.) Wish I could've seen it through.

There was also my bounty hunter type character guy, Alphonse, who came in contact with Zeru's character in the main HRP. My guy had thought Zeru's was a Xeno (or whatever Xazhi's character race was) and Xazhi was all butthurt about it in the chat. I ended up editing it out so he'd calm down.

I also remember the whole other website Xazhi made so he can create his own rules and rp without having to consult others. That rp was interesting as hell, great setting and plot. Also wish I could've seen that through. But unfortunately I had a hand in killing that rp aswell. Garth's character and mine had met up and went our separate way from the main group. We ended up posting pages and pages of rp, thus killing that rp. It was fun while it lasted.

Speaking of other websites, there was that one werewolf vs. vampire rp site someone created, can't remember who. But the character I made for that rp was probably the best writing I've ever done and I was actually proud of. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, but I was hoping that it would at least last more than just a couple pages of rp. It had a cool premise but had a severe lack of interest.

Still confused on the whole Ethan and K thing. Many said they were the same person, others disagreed. Never knew which to believe.

Also remember trying my ass off to get into K's anime school type rp deal. He kept saying that my weapon was not found within ancient history, but only modern history. It was a serrated machete. He made a big deal about it so I made my character wield an axe instead. It was fun for awhile but I had eventually lost interest.

My sister is fighting for her life as of now. She married into military and their healthcare is garbage. Below garbage really. She's currently waiting months for her medicine she was previously prescribed. However the military healthcare doesn't recognize her previous providers so she's waiting to see the military's doctors so they can diagnose her with the same disorders she already knows she has. If I somehow didn't hate the government before I certainly do now.

I remember Quill. How she stood out, how she was treated by everyone. Some teased her, others ignored her, others started arguments with her. I wanted to understand. Wanted to understand how she felt, her thought process, why she said the strange things she did. After learning about her past, it made sense. I ended up getting close to her and in turn, as I always do without meaning to, hurt her. Haven't heard from her since. I often think about what I should've done instead. I pray for her sometimes.

I'm wasted again. It's my weekend ritual lately. I'm having to work overtime at my physically demanding job now and I have barely any time for myself anymore. I drink to drown out... well everything. The lack of time for anything, my apathy, the soreness of my muscles and the things I have no control over.

I often wonder what happened to the Arizona trio. Last thing I heard of them is Garth moved to minnesota because of a love interest. Alex had gotten a decent job somewhere and Nick went into college for something or another. I hope they're doing well. They were good people.

I remember dedicating myself to this site to an unprecedented level. I had read the entirety of the HRP from beginning to finish, simply so I could better understand everyone's characters and their backstories. It was an interesting read to say the least. May be a bit unrealistic? Maybe. But it was full of heart and valor. Seeing all these different writers and their visions for the story made it different than anything I had read before. Everyone's characters were distinct from one another. It kept me hooked and wanting more.

There was also Anog, I never understand that man. He disappeared soon after I had joined the site. But he had made it his goal to be public enemy #1. Constantly egging people on, taunting everyone and taking on unpopular opinions. I believe some thought he was a nazi, simply because he was an asshole and also german. I wonder what happened in his life to choose this path and how his life has turned out since. I honestly hope he has found peace, despite his pessimistic view on life.

And then there was the MRP. I hated that thing so much. I never played mass effect so I couldn't possibly join it, even if I wanted to. I mean sure people were having fun but I had to wait for others to post in the rp's I was in. Does this make me self-centered?

I also remember Janitor's mini HRP. Only I and a guy going by Wyatt joined it. We weren't spartans, well Jan and I weren't. Wyatt somehow managed to make his a Spartan. Can't remember if he was a SII or SIII but whatever. Probably the most fun I had in a halo rp. I always admired ODST's and getting to rp one was kickass. Though I had forgotten they didn't have energy shields haha. The first few posts I made were a bit confusing. Got it corrected pretty first though. Unpopular opinion alert: I had the most fun in any halo game in ODST. The Jazz, atmosphere, lore to be found, the engineers, the dread of being a regular guy fighting against hordes of covenant and of course firefight first being introduced. Can't tell you how many hours I burned playing that mode. It was perfect for me.

Then there was Tenebris. That guy was an enigma to me. Apparently he had started the site but barely participated in it. From what I understood he also paid for it. The few times I ever did get to talk to him were interesting. I think he got into a decent college?

I ended up going to a trade school, learning to weld. It wasn't my first pick but I needed something since the other one wasn't going to work out. I had always wanted to be a firefighter but asthma said no, essentially, and I was robbed of my dream. At least welding pays well. But now, looking back, I wish I had gone to school for culinary arts. I have a knack for cooking and I think I could've been a decent chef. Just another regret in my life I guess.

Anyhoot, 'til next time
-Lane

Felix wrote:

I often wonder what happened to the Arizona trio. Last thing I heard of them is Garth moved to minnesota because of a love interest. Alex had gotten a decent job somewhere and Nick went into college for something or another. I hope they're doing well. They were good people.

Eh, we're still doing alright so far. Garth is still in Minnesota (I'm actually gonna go and visit him this March) and Nick is....well, I've got no idea where Nick is. No one's officially said anything but I think our friendship is over, ended on a whimper. And as for me I'm still at my current job working in a compounding lab making veterinary medications.

Sorry though, Felix....about your sister. There's not a whole lot I can say without feeling like I'm patronizing you. Just hope that she catches a break and is able to get the coverage and care she needs. And that in spite of your hardships you manage to attain some or even a full measure of happiness.

Thanks Alex, I'm trying to get better. Since I last posted I've stopped drinking and smoking, now I'm going to the gym aswell. I've decided sitting around and wasting away isn't helping me or anyone else so I'm making a change. Trying to change my mentality too and stop being so negative. If I continue to look at life through this spyglass I'll never get anywhere I want to be.

Looking back at these I hardly remember writing any of it but this place was what I needed, yet again. Just somewhere I can take a load off and get things off my chest.

I'm glad you're still friends with Garth and that you have a cool af job. I hope you're happy with life my friend. When you get there, would you mind saying hello to Garth for me? He deleted his discord and I haven't talked to him since.

Well let's try looking positive. At work I've made a decent friend that doesn't exhaust me (introvert things) when I talk to him. He helps me with my work when he can and he's also a firefighter. So I can live my dream vicariously through him.

I have my own place now, which is good. I'm not drowning in debt and I make a good wage. I've connected to a couple of my old friends and now I game with them almost every night.

I've bought a 87' Pontiac Fiero which I'm gonna restore (albeit slowly) with my dad too, so I have a pretty decent project to focus on. And I can finally spend time with my dad aswell. I also started practicing guitar which was something I always wanted to learn. I know I know, I'll be THAT guy at parties. Feel free to send me a pair of skinny jeans haha

I guess that's it? I don't know why I started this silly topic in the first place. Anyhoot

Good to hear things are lookin' up for ya Fel. Hope that restoration turns out good. Post pics as ya go if ya want.

I Miss you all
Much love
Felix, Yes I am Ethan
I hope things get better for you and your family soon

We should all try and get together for video games, anime or tabletop games sometime, even if that was practically impossible even when the site was active

K wrote:

I Miss you all
Much love
Felix, Yes I am Ethan
I hope things get better for you and your family soon

We should all try and get together for video games, anime or tabletop games sometime, even if that was practically impossible even when the site was active

Fucking knew it was you haha. And hey, I'd be down for a reunion

I'll post some before and after pics here in a bit, they're on my phone and I haven't got them on the computer yet. It's not much of a custom car, just more of a restoration.

Thanks guys, I appreciate the good wishes. Family members have recently gotten better/healthier. So have I. I don't know the exact number of days but I'm still sober, haven't looked back.

Also I knew it! I had a gut feeling but never any proof. I still think it's silly that you got banned, I don't even remember the reason. But I'm down for whatever, games or movies etc.

Here's my discord: Aregormir#7824

illare#7434

Surprirsed Alex never gave it to you

Teria wrote:

illare#7434

Surprirsed Alex never gave it to you

I don't have Felix on Discord, though I shall likely be changing that soon

Also, my own discord

Venator#2128

Well, I finally found a job after being out of work for months. Not sure why it was so hard, considering all the help wanted posters hung up everywhere. I decided I no longer want to pursue a welding career. Because it's not about the weld or what you're building, only numbers and how many you can get out. Doesn't matter how good you are, you're just another cog in the wheel. I think that played a big part in my depression. I know it's child-like to want to feel special or that you're actually making a difference with your job but those places make you feel so insignificant. Literally got C*vid and they still wrote me up. Anything short of perfection they would jump on it. Gave me anxiety every morning hoping my car doesn't break down, or something goes down at home and I need to leave. All so I wouldn't lose my job. Did a dent to my mental health, that's for sure.

So I decided I needed to go back to school and get a part time job. Decided to go for IT because I already have a decent knowledge in it. I know it's stupid to try to go into a field that's highly competitive but frankly I don't have any other interests that could turn into a career. Aiming for software engineer/developer. Gonna be tough but hey, anything worthwhile isn't easy to get right?

As it turns out, I'm a janitor for the time being. Who's the real janitor now eh?

So I randomly stumbled upon this site again and actually found my login info for it as well. I miss this place dearly and the wave of memories hit me again too. I hope y'all are doing well wherever you are and whatever you're doing. Tenebris#4155 is my discord if anyone wants to catch up. <3

Hope your job stuff is going well too, Felix

Tenébrís wrote:

So I randomly stumbled upon this site again and actually found my login info for it as well. I miss this place dearly and the wave of memories hit me again too. I hope y'all are doing well wherever you are and whatever you're doing. Tenebris#4155 is my discord if anyone wants to catch up. <3

Hope your job stuff is going well too, Felix

Well back in college, struggling to find a purpose and also pursue something in the medical field. Likewise just struggling personally with thoughts of depression, self loathing, etc.

Yet still here. So that's something.